just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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