Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
