i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
