Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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