what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
