Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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