Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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