Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
