How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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