There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
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