Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
