So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
