I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
