I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
