i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
