i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)