I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I need a beard to bite.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
