It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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