I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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