i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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