I've blown a few things in my day
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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