I was born with a shot glass in my hand
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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