So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
