apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
