Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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