I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
