every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
