Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
