you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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