i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
