last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Your cock deserves a montage
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
