Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
