the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
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You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
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Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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