I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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