The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
