i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
