HIV tests are more positive than that guy
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
