forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
