She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
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He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
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This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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