I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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