did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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