Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
