see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
