I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
