we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
