He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
