Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
