I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
