Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.