Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
