is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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