so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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