I wish life had little blips of pornography
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
