Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
