i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
