Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
