Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
