He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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