so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
