I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
