it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
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