We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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