you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
